I have had so many friends tell me they’re worried if the person they just began dating likes them. When I hear this, I always react the same way, I ask what they like about that person, and sometimes they can’t list a single meaningful thing. Is everyone putting in so much effort without a reason why? People spend so much time worrying about whether someone else likes them that they forget to ask if they genuinely want to be with that person.
Stop Worrying if She Likes You and Figure Out if You Like Her
People often get so wrapped up trying to get another person to like them that they don’t even evaluate whether or not they like the other person. You should not spend time trying to get someone to like you if you don’t have reasons why you should put in the effort in the first place.
As I grew up and started to figure out my dating goals, I realized one fundamental fact. I need to know why I am dating someone in order to keep dating them. If I can’t tell you why I am dating a woman, I should not be dating her. More importantly, why should I be so wrapped up in getting her to like me if I don’t even like her that much?
This concept may sound obvious, but logic seems to get a little fuzzy when it comes to romance.
Find Someone Who Wants You
When I was in college, I dated one of my classmates. She was intelligent and pretty but put minimal effort into the relationship. At the time, I tried my best to figure out what was wrong. We dated for a little while, and I thought, “Does she even like me?” This question really woke me up because my follow-up thought was, “Wait a second, do I even like her?” The answer was “No”. Why would I like someone that doesn’t put effort into seeing me?
I am far from perfect, but I think I have many good qualities. If a woman doesn’t value me, then I will be out the door. I have dated many women, and except for a few high school girlfriends, I have always been the one who ends the relationship because I set high standards. It is not my job to convince her to like me. It just isn’t. It is my job to decide if I like her and then conclude that if she doesn’t like me, I can go find someone who does. This all comes down to confidence. If you are confident, you will ask why you like her before asking if she likes you.
Worrying if They Like You is a Waste of Time
Worrying if a woman likes me is a terrible waste of time. If she doesn’t like me, we should not be dating, and I can go find someone who does. Your own insecurities will drive you to make poor decisions. There is no reason to try to convince anyone to like you, especially if you are not sure how you feel about them.
My friend Rose had a problem with this exact scenario. She wasted almost a year dating a man she didn’t even care about because she was so blinded by worry about making him happy. She would call me for advice all the time, filled with anxiety and stress about the relationship. This was all ridiculous to me because I could not think of one reason why she should be in a relationship with him.
Rose would always call me for advice because I always give honest opinions. Rose would tell me about how this guy doesn’t call her, how he didn’t even get her flowers on Valentine’s Day, or some other nonsense. She would ask me, “How do I get him to put in more effort?” or “How do I tell him I want to talk on the phone more?” She would ask the most ridiculous question anyone can ask in dating: “How do I get him to like me?”
I would always have the same response: “Why do you care if he likes you?” I literally told her, “You need to stop thinking about whether or not he likes you and decide if you even like him.” When I asked her what she liked about him, she couldn’t give me anything other than that he was handsome and told me that he could be worse. I would say, “So what!” There are lots of other guys out there who would like you from the start.
After nine wasted months of anxiety, she eventually broke up with him, which I celebrated. She got out of that worthless relationship by simply asking herself, “Why am I still seeing this guy?” Soon after, she met a new man who liked her from the beginning and who she also liked. They are still together more than one year later and making plans for their future. She no longer feels constant anxiety because she is now in a healthy relationship.
Insecurity Causes Poor Judgement
From what I can see in all the relationships I have been in and all the people I have observed in my life, this problem comes down to insecurity. You develop an idea in your head that you want to be with this person for whatever reasons (usually superficial ones like physical attraction). You then want validation and approval from this person. That is where you go wrong. You should not be seeking validation from others but only from yourself. You want them to be into you just as much as you are into them. But that is not always going to be the case.
You may worry if someone doesn’t like you, and maybe they don’t. This is OK. It is OK if she doesn’t like you. It is OK if the relationship doesn’t work out. Do you know why? Because there are literally billions of women on this planet, and there is at least one out there who will think you are awesome. Go find her.
